July 27, 2010

Tales from Public transport

It was a dreary and cold morning at the station, the black cloud of suits was lined up waiting for the train to creep to a stop. If you scan the crowd you'll see the bleary eyed, squinting office underling, the tight-mini-skirt-wearing office skank, the professional suit guy with the shite shoes (he's really quite low on the food chain didn't you know), the homosexual office man with his perfectly manicured nails and his permanent pout, and of course the I'm-so-much-more-important-than-you-toffee-nosed-needle-snake-even-though-I'm-riding-on-the-poor-train-with-you black suited man.

The blank faces, staring eyes... what's behind those 'city faces'?
HILARITY that's what.

Today I saw a I'm-so-much-more-important-than-you-toffee-nosed-needle-snake-even-though-I'm-riding-on-the-poor-train-with-you black suited man run (yes, RUN) off the train and enter another carriage when a woman came on with a screaming baby. I've never seen a person shoot up so fast from their seat when the train is about to leave. He even braved the rain to swap carriages to escape the child. The expression of sheer terror on his face made me laugh, and the other occupants too.

It's always gold when the people who were stony faced actually crack a smile on public transport, sort of a show of solidarity when something truly amazing happens. And it is bound to happen when they cram 500 people inside of a rectangular box and your shoved in workman Bob's armpit and crushing grandma against an anorexic gothling.

One such time involved an uber bogan girl (complete with exposed midriff in the 21st century, 2 inch regrowth and boganesque inability to pronounce words correctly) on her mobile loudly attempting to placate her deadbeat boyf that she was alright with him sleeping with other women because it was an open relationship and she loves and trusts him enough. She then detailed all his other disgusting transgressions and fail portfolio of jobs to the train. An entire row of us couldn't contain our laughter and she kept on talking and glared at us like we were the insane ones. "Aidan, I love you! You can sleep over at Tina's, I'm okay with that because I know you love me. It's okay if you need some time with other chick's, I totally get it. Of course you can have fifty bucks from my wallet. And take my car. Do you need me to pay your fine? When's the court date?"

More often however are the cringe-worthy times. Like when that guy covered in tattoos who you've been trying not to stereotype boomingly greets a new passenger at the halfway point who hasn't seen him in years which he reveals is because he's just got out of jail and the duffel he's carrying is filled with drug money. They congratulate each other for being out in the general public spreading their delinquency and threaten a man who tries to peer into said bag.

How about the mumblers, the stinkers, the ranters, the mobile phone this-train-is-my-office persons, and we shan't miss the sleepers, the drug snorters or the ball scratchers.

Or that time the down syndrome girl stepped in dog crap on her way to the train proceeded to rub it off her shoe with her hand, wipe her hand on her shirt and pants and the seat, become confused as to why everything was covered in shit and stank, lick her hands, fart, cry. Repeat.

The train is a magical place of wonder and horror and intrigue.

See you on the wheel box.

Train count as it stands
  • 2 Marriage proposals
  • 10 pick-up lines
  • 1 Creepy guy taking a picture of me
  • 500+ hrs riding train
  • 1 guy with no pants on
  • 3 People yelling at me

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